


I Will Wait Forever

by fangirlingovermishacollins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: At least it looks like that, Because they do love each other, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Shy Castiel, Supportive Sam, Unrequited Love, but it really isn't
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 16:18:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12112500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingovermishacollins/pseuds/fangirlingovermishacollins
Summary: Before Dean, Castiel's life was black and white. He lived without emotion, only doing what he was told. Now, all that has changed.





	I Will Wait Forever

**Author's Note:**

> So this is kinda a mashup of ideas/theories: the "no emotion before meeting that one person" part came from Yandere Simulator, the title came from Bésame Mucho, a fanfic about another one of my OTPs, and there are some things from stories like We'll Meet Again and Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart and Lily of the Lamplight (amazing stuff). I even thought of references from Fall Out Boy's song, The Last of The Real Ones, and if you know it then you'll recognize some lyrics, or ones from other songs. Hope you enjoy!

Castiel was in love. It had been long enough that he knew, with absolute clarity, that he loved Dean Winchester. It started simply enough: the hunter had filled a gap in his life that he had no idea was even there. It was like when a starving man eats after a long time or when someone dying of thirst drinks water. It made Cas feel complete.

There was also the fact that before Dean came along, Cas had felt nothing. He had just existed, carrying out orders. He had been, in short, emotionless. Dean awoke something in him, and that had shocked the angel. All this time as a metaphorical shell of no emotion and one human rewrote that.

He was dying to tell the hunter everything. He had planned it out in his mind so much, starting from "hello" to the very last "I love you." But every time he thought, _This is it,_ Dean effectively wiped his memory of everything he had planned by just smiling, or staring at him for a few seconds across the room.

"Dean," he tried to say to a mirror, hoping that it would prepare him. "I feel as if you are the sun, and I am just the planets. You were, and still are, too good to be true. I know the world thinks-" 

He cut himself off. "I know the whole entire world knows it needs you. But if you'd just really open your eyes.... you'd see. I need you so much more. I am so in love with you."

He sighed. That still didn't cover everything he intended. And every time he failed to say the correct thing, it was just longer he went without knowing Dean Winchester was his, or if he even would be.

It was 9:55 pm. Cas imagined that the brothers were still awake, reading or drinking in the kitchen. Thinking Dean was most likely to be in the kitchen, with microwaveable food and a six-pack of beer, that was where Cas headed.

Sure enough, there he was, looking as if he were in his own little world. The sight made Cas's lips turn up into a slight smile, and he suddenly was dying to know what he was imagining. He could honestly stay this way, staring at this green-eyed man until the end of time. "Hello," he finally said, shyly looking away to avoid any awkward staring. "I didn't intend to intrude."

"What are you talking about, Cas? I love when you scare the crap out of me," Dean said with a slight smile. Cas found any attempts to resist his own growing smile futile. "Anyway, you didn't intrude or interrupt or anything, okay? I wasn't exactly busy."

"Of course. I just wanted to be sure." Cas paused. "How long have you been sitting here?"

"Eh, not long. I mean, I was gonna play music or something, if you were okay with it. If it were just me in here, I would have already, but it's really up to you."

"I wouldn't mind, Dean. I am actually rather fascinated by your music." 

"Good taste," Dean commented before scrolling through his phone a little. "But I don't know, I mean, I'm kinda in the mood for something lighter tonight. You know what I mean?"

"Yes, I truly do. I understand humans often want to change what they wear or listen to because they often want to try something different." Dean nodded. 

"Okay, then, how about...." Dean finally tapped on something, a slowish song with no lyrics being played on what sounded like a guitar, "this. Sammy downloaded it onto my phone as a joke, but it's a secret that I actually like it."

"It's...." Cas found no words. "I imagine this is what perfection sounds like. It's absolutely wonderful."

"You're really that much in love with the thing? When's the wedding?" Cas cracked a small smile and a slight blush rose to his cheeks. "Anyway, yeah, I like it. Sam'll never let me live it down if I tell him."

"Well, I promise to keep it a secret. You don't have anything to worry about."

"You're freaking awesome, you know that?" Dean smiled, eyes solely focused on Cas. "So what brought you here? Angels don't exactly need coffee or energy drinks."

"I wanted to see you," Cas said, not even sure where that came from. He averted his eyes, but not before noting the surprise in the hunter's green eyes. "I meant that you weren't exactly going to your room, and you have been complaining about never getting enough sleep. It simply came out differently than I intended."

"Yeah, I have, but screw it. Nothing like sitting alone with beer, bacon and some good music." Dean sighed, adding, "Not the bacon though, Sammy ate what was left for breakfast."

"I suppose I understand, Dean. I find it relaxing to just sit by myself at times. I don't exactly fit in well with humans, after all, due to my lack of people skills." 

"Yeah? Well I don't think that's true. You've gotten better over the years I've known you." Dean shrugged. "At least I've noticed, anyway."

"Should I take that as some sort of compliment?" Cas looked confused, and Dean looked a little sheepish as he looked away and nodded. "Well, thank you, then." Dean hadn't exactly meant it in any sort of romantic way, but Castiel's heart sped up anyway.

"Why do you almost never do that, by the way? You just too serious or something?" Dean suddenly asked.

"Never do what?" Cas tilted his head in that way he always did when he was confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You know, when you smile? It's rare as hell." Dean shrugged. "Just thought I'd ask."

"Oh, well, I never really can find a reason to smile. Before I met you and Sam, before I raised you from perdition, I...." The angel trailed off. "I simply was, for lack of a better word, emotionless. I felt nothing."

"So Sammy and I brought you to life or some crap like that? Like, we caused that to change?"

"Yes. It began not long after we first met and you summoned me. I suddenly felt more alive. But even now, like before, I find it difficult to find a reason to smile." _Except when you're around,_ Cas thought. _Then I want to smile._

"Well, do us a favor?" Dean asked, eyes never leaving Cas's face. There was a lazy smile on his own, almost a smirk, which made what the hunter was saying half a joke, and half serious. "At least try to smile more? Trust me, it's got a hell of an effect. Damn contagious."

"I will try, Dean. But what made you bring it up in the first place?"

"Oh, well, when you thanked me for the little comment about people skills, it was like one corner of your mouth kinda, you know, lifted a little." Dean paused. "Like you were almost gonna smile or something."

Cas flushed slightly when he realized that Dean had been paying such close attention to him and his facial expressions. "I honestly didn't even realize I was doing it."

Neither one had realized that the soft music was already finished, and now there was nothing but silence, Dean's phone now in sleep mode on the table. 

"Guess the music part's finished, huh? I never even noticed." Dean picked up the phone, closing the app he was on. "It was good while it lasted, though. But seriously, you won't tell Sammy I like that stuff? It'll be used against me so damn much if he figures it out."

"You have my word, Dean. I swear I won't say anything." He even smiled when he said it, causing Dean to smile in return. His smile really was contagious, he realized. 

"You're the only one who knows now. Still, I wouldn't have chosen anyone else." Dean put a hand on Cas's shoulder. "I'm gonna hit the hay, I'm actually getting tired. See ya in the morning, 'kay?"

"Alright, Dean. Sleep well." With one last smile and wave, Dean was heading down the hall to his room. Cas sighed, leaning against the wall and feeling like an idiot for not saying something. 

~~•~~•~~

"Morning, Sunshine," Dean greeted, walking into the kitchen. Cas was already there, facing the stove and the food being cooked on it. After the hunter admitted that the bacon was gone, Cas had flown to the store to pick some up as soon as it opened in the morning. "You're working hard, huh? What's with the interest in cooking anyway?"

"I simply decided to pursue a new skill, Dean. Cooking seemed easy enough. All you have to do is follow directions, which is something I'm very used to doing."

"Smells awesome, so I'd say you're well on your way to being a badass chef." Cas smiled slightly at that, shaking his head like it wasn't possible.

"I honestly would not take it that far. Anybody can successfully make bacon and eggs." Cas shrugged. "But thank you for saying it anyway."

"No problem," Dean said as he looked over the angel's shoulder. Cas slightly leaned back into his touch, which felt surprisingly natural. "Better than my first try. I swear, I burnt those things so bad it was like a fire had started. Sammy was pissed, because it was his breakfast, but they were edible, and that's good enough for me."

"I see your point." Cas smiled. "Sam is still sleeping, I guess? He's usually awake before you are, yet here you are wide awake and already here."

"Cas, the guy doesn't get woken up by food the way I do. The smell of it is what woke me anyway, so it makes sense. Don't worry your angelic ass about him."

"Alright, if you're so sure. Take a seat, I'm almost done. I also attempted to make coffee." 

If Dean's reaction said anything, it was that he believed the little lie Castiel told him. While the angel was taking up cooking, it was because he wanted to impress the hunter and show him just how much he would do for his affections. He didn't expect Dean to understand though. Going through life doing nothing but thinking through logic, it mattered to him more that he didn't lose him so easily.

Because losing Dean, even to another woman or man, would have the same effect as him dying. Castiel wanted Dean to be his. That way, he could continue truly living, loving the hunter the way he had for years before.

Because without Dean, Castiel's life would go back to being black and white. He would be emotionless again.

"I believe this is an acceptable way to arrange bacon and eggs?" Cas asked, placing a plate in front of Dean. He was so in love by now, he could feel his heart pounding and feeling like it would leap out of his chest. "If not, I'm very sorry. I brought your coffee as well."

"It's freaking perfect, Cas. You really didn't have to do this, though, I mean, you've already done so damn much for me and Sammy."

"I feel as if I haven't completely shown my appreciation of you-" Cas paused before adding, "and Sam. You're consistently helping me and doing things when I ask you."

He hadn't meant to make the words sound like they were solely intended for Dean, but it came out that way. Dean looked at him, confused, and the angel quickly corrected himself. "I have a rather hard time referring to both of you when only one of you is present."

In his head, he continued, thinking, 'I truly did mean to say that to you, however. I love you more than you will ever know. I could tell you so much every day and it would still not begin to describe the mixture of happiness, anxiety, sense of safety, and fierce dedication I feel whenever you are nearby, like you are at the moment.'

"You're doing that thing again, you know, when you almost smile? What the hell are you thinking anyway?" Dean said, despite the food in his mouth.

"I would prefer to keep that to myself," was all Castiel said. He forced the almost-smile off his face. "What are you thinking about? You're fully smiling."

"You. Your smile, actually, because whenever I see the damn thing it forces me to return it. It's freaking automatic."

"I assume that's a good thing." All Cas could think was that Dean Winchester, the man he loved for years, was smiling at the thought of something having to do with him.

Not long after that, Sam showed up, and there was an obvious awkward atmosphere. Cas knew it was because of his and Dean's conversation and the meaning he had ended up putting in his words, but he couldn't help but notice Dean watching him with some sort of intensity that was almost embarrassing.

"So, Cas," Sam finally asked, the uncomfortableness in the air getting to be too much. "What made you, uh, want to do this?" He gestured to the food and coffee, noticing immediately how the angel's gaze flew to Dean for a second.

"Just a feeling, Sam. I felt as if I should give it a try." Cas shrugged. "Did I do well enough?"

"Yeah, Cas, don't worry."

"Dean said the same thing. I'm glad you both think so. Is there anything specific you believe I should attempt to cook?" Cas's gaze settled on Dean for a good few seconds.

"You should just make whatever you damn well feel like." Dean sounded almost like he were holding something back. 

"I want to attempt to make something for you, however." This time, Cas didn't bother to look away from Dean. He felt a little fluttering in his chest when Dean smiled.

"In that case, pie. But you already should know that." Cas nodded, unable to resist a smile.

He and Dean just stared at each other, and Cas desperately wanted to say something, anything. The air around them seemed to be charged with something that begged to be made clear. Cas was just about to open his mouth, but something broke him out of it- Sam's voice, bringing him back to reality.

"Guys? You okay?" Dean was the first to speak up, nodding and waving it off. He excused himself a little awkwardly, Cas watching after him, obviously concerned. 

"Sam? Is he okay?" Cas asked, and it was so obvious in that moment that he loved Dean. "He seemed in a rush to leave." His worry and blatant affections for the hunter softened Sam, whose first instinct was to cover for his brother.

"You really don't see it, Cas? You're basically the reason he's acting like that." Despite the serious kind of conversation they were having, Sam chuckled.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." But Cas answered too quickly. "If anything, I should be acting strangely around him."

"You love him, don't you?" The question was so out of the blue, Cas was shocked by the sudden desire to lie to avoid any accusations.

"I didn't plan on it happening, Sam, I swear. It was out of my control, but...." Cas sighed, defeated. "Yes, I love your brother. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I have no idea what to do."

"Cas," Sam said, almost sadly. "Just don't wait forever. I loved so many women, and I thought we had forever together. But I watched one of them die, you know? I still think about it." He put a hand on Cas's shoulder, looking right into his eyes. "So do something, soon." 

"I honestly want to. But every time I see him, the words get erased from my mind, or I get too nervous to say a word." He thought about every time he had failed to confess to Dean in the past few years. "I have a feeling that it's hopeless, Sam. I'm always going to freeze up."

"Cas, it's not hopeless, okay?" Sam gave a slight smile.

"How are you so certain of that? I've only been able to get this far by telling myself that there's at least a small chance." 

"You really have no idea, Cas? Dean loves you. He looks at you like you're the world to him. I've been watching him do it for what feels like forever, but he always denies it. He's been waiting for you." Cas brightened up considerably at this, a look of almost-disbelief in his eyes. "Seriously, if you just confess to him, he'll admit it."

"I would rather not wait another nine years, to be honest. I promise, Sam, I will do something about it by tonight." Castiel felt more confident now, and already was thinking about what he would say to Dean. "Thank you," he suddenly said, throwing his arms around Sam.

"No problem," Sam smiled, returning the hug.

~~•~~•~~

It was strange, avoiding Dean and staying a distance away from his room during the day. There were many times Cas wanted to go and knock on the door, and not even give Dean the chance to speak before letting everything out- his feelings, the thoughts he had been having for years.

Every time he thought about it though, a little part of him instantly filled with anxiety. Along with it was something he couldn't name, though: a rush that made him feel braver and more confident than he actually did.

Cas paced around the small area outside Dean's door, trying to think up the right thing to say. He was half-tempted to wait until the morning. It wouldn't be too long of a wait, considering it was already night. But every wasted opportunity to confess was just more time the hunter could be with a woman or going out to pick somebody up.

"Dean, I have told you about my past. Since my creation, I was nothing but a mindless, emotionless shell used to carry out orders. You have changed that and made me realize how much I enjoy having you in my life." Castiel sighed. "That won't do anything."

He was about to try again, but the door opened, revealing Dean wearing a green T-shirt and black boxers. "Hey, Cas, you okay?" Dean asked, concern on his face. "You look freaking tense as hell."

"I have something important to tell you." Cas tried, and failed, to not notice how the green shirt brought out his eye color.

"Yeah, well, come in then. My room's a damn mess, but it could be worse." While the room was littered with dirty clothes and things all over, it was by far the most comfortable place Cas had ever been in. But it could have just been Dean, because whenever the two were close the angel just felt comfortable and at home.

"I think it's cozy. I can see your personality all around it." Dean's lips lifted into a smile. "I honestly came here to tell you something, however, not just compliment your decorating skills."

"I'm all ears."

Cas took a moment to calm himself. "I felt nothing before you. I never truly lived, it seemed. And now, I am a better, stronger, more compassionate person. Thanks to you. You awoke something in me."

"I really have no idea what to say, Cas, I mean, wow."

"You don't have to say anything. I simply wanted to say..."

"Cas, you could tell me you have a fetish for creepy antique dolls and I'd listen. Seriously, what can't you tell me?"

"That I love you." The words just slipped out. Dean's face showed shock, confusion, and something else that made Castiel uncomfortable. "I understand you may not return my affection, however, and while I will never truly love another, I will accept it. But if you feel the slightest bit the same way, if there's even a sliver of hope, I will wait for you. I will wait forever."

Dean shook his head. The movement was enough for Cas to leave the room, feeling stupid and barely keeping himself together. "I don't love you, Cas, not like that" was the last thing he heard.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos keep me alive in this sea of fandoms and fanfiction, so don't let me drown!


End file.
